faith.

i don't know why this is a lesson that i keep making myself learn repeatedly. i have such a hard time with faith. there used to be a time, during my childhood and my teen years that i had such strong, unwaivering faith. no one and no thing could deter me from what i believed in. i made the mistake of throwing it away. it didn't all happen at once, however. it was more of a gradual thing. i knew the things that i was doing and the way i was living was not right. it wasn't guilt. it was knowing that i was giving up a better life. that's what drug me to the bottom. when i started falling down (and down and down and DOWN), i began to be selfish and cared very little for my loved ones or for anyone who didn't agree with my lifestyle. i was living how I wanted to...for the first time in my life...and no matter what any one said or did, they had no control over me. i spun viciously out of control. i became an addict to my own poisonous behavior (not to mention other things). that's where my faith in all that i was taught and all that i had so strongly held on to, vanished. at one point, i was involved with an athiest who gave some valid points on his belief that there was no God, no Heaven, no Christ, no anything. i inwardly tried to tell myself how sad it was that he had nothing to believe in, but i let the darkness seep into my heart and let go of my faith and started to question everything i had ever known. luckily, shortly after, i hit rock bottom (and i mean ROCK BOTTOM) and decided it was time for a SERIOUS change. to this day, i wonder if i hadn't had decided to move myself from the path that i was on, if i would even be alive right now. so i changed. i quit my abusive and addictive habits. i returned to the life that i have always known to lead to happiness, which was in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. i prayed continually. i read my scriptures diligently. i went to Church and i started to gain back what i had so carelessly left behind. but still...i struggled with faith. all because i let that darkness seep into my heart. i would give anything to turn that around. i want to believe and i want to know all there is to know about the Gospel again and to know that i am loved on a very real and personal level by Heavenly Father and the Savior. i'm so tired of getting fired up just to give up in the end. i don't ever want to be the person who i was in the past, but if i don't pick myself up and really make an effort, i really fear that day may come. why is it so difficult to do what is right? even if it's something as simple as getting down on my knees to say a prayer, or going to Church on Sunday. even listening to uplifting music?!

isn't it interesting how, well, at least this is how i think of it....isn't it interesting how we view trials as these big ordeals...like in my life, coming down with a life threatening infection and almost dying in the hospital...things like that...when yes, those are indeed HUGE trials, but really, most trials are tiny, minuscule things that you really don't think of as a big deal at the time, but as days go by, they get bigger and bigger until finally they are staring you right in the face and you realize that this is a trial you will have to face? when i go through these everyday, little mini trials, i haven't even realized that i needed to pray for direction. i've always been taught to do that, but i've forgotten somewhere along the way. i think i need to put big posters all over my house saying 'DID YOU THINK TO PRAY?' maybe then i would remember that there is a loving Heavenly Father there, just waiting for me to ask for his help and his comfort. i mean...is there anything greater than that? what tremendous love he must have for us, really. it must be so difficult for him to watch all of his children and know what we are going through and to know that he will do anything for us if we just ask. i wonder how badly his heart must ache when we don't ask. when we try to 'wing it' on our own.

i think it's time for me to step up to the plate. time for me to be a better mother, a better wife, a better sister and a better daughter. but most of all it's time for me to return to living a life with undwindling faith and devotion to my Heavenly Father and Savior. i am here for a reason and i have purpose in this life. i am loved and i need to show thanks. i am a good person, but i can be a BETTER person.

i know this is a bit all over the place and i apologize for not being more concise, i just needed to pour my heart out. i'm a good girl and i do good things, i just want to be better and to always remember that i am not alone.

“Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith” (Ether 12:6). Thus, every time you try your faith—that is, act in worthiness on an impression—you will receive the confirming evidence of the Spirit. As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow. - Richard G. Scott