today is the mark of a huge accomlishment for me. from 2001 to 2008 i fell deeply into a path of personal destruction. i had no direction in my life and pushed away people that i loved or who tried to help me. alcohol became my family. cigarettes were my best friend. i made lots of other terrible, terrible mistakes. i entered into a relationship without any real goals or direction. we were married. neither of us really knew what we were doing or where we were going in life. we ended up getting pregnant when there was not much of a chance for us to grow any longer. we seperated when i was 3 or 4 months pregnant. though we were failing at marriage, that divorce was one of the most difficult trials of my life. that pregnancy was bittersweet. i was excited to finally be having a precious child, but the heartbreak of a failed marriage was devastating. my son was born in November of 2007. even after he was born, i still had a lot of growing up to do. i didn't try to improve. i was a lost soul. i repeatedly hit rock bottom (and i mean ROCK bottom) . . . i really had given up hope that i would ever be able to change . . . i gave up hope. then . . . a pivitol moment. february through april of 2008, i was dating a guy who i had known for about 6 years. he was a really good guy, but like me, he had his own problems. i broke up with him because i decided to try and change. days after, he died of a drug overdose. someone just like me. a good person who was just lost. unfortunately, even with the slap in the face that was, it still didn't wake me up enough to change. i tried, but not a valid effort. shortly after, i fell back into old habits and continued to plummet further downward. inwardly, i kept feeling like if i would just stop all the stupid stuff i was doing that my life would greatly change, but it required making that effort. i tried to ignore that feeling, until finally on Labor Day of 2008, i went to a bar and got trashed. in all my stupidity, i left my keys in the ignition of my car, with it running. didn't even realize it until i was ready to drive home. smart, huh? i called the guy i was dating at the time to see if he could help me, but he was busy trying to 'score some weed'. nice guy, right? the next day, i made a vow to myself that i would never drink again. i was so tired of being a loser. 1000 days later, i haven't so much as touched the stuff. a month later, on October 8th, i gave up cigarettes for good (this is coming from a person that was a 1-2 pack a day-er). a month after that, i met my husband, two months after that, we were married, 10 months after that we had our daughter.
now, i look in the mirror and see the real me. not the image i'm trying to hide behind. i'm real. i don't need to be drunk to be me. i don't need to smoke to be comfortable or relaxed. i'm no longer a slave . . . i'm free . . . and look at what i have because of it . . .
this handsome guy . . .
these beautiful babies . . .
. . . and a baby on the way . . .
every night, when i pray, i thank my Heavenly Father for my family and that i had the ability to change. life is so much simpler now. so much safer. so much more comfortable. i've had moments of regret and anger towards my past. i realize now that without those experiences, i would be nowhere near where i am today. i learned so much about people and the world and also about myself. because of where i have been, i have confidence in where i am headed.
. . . so i am a huge quote junkie. here are some that helped me through the tough times.
"Having faith in the Lord also means having faith in his timing."
- Neal A. Maxwell
"Press forward. Do not stop, do not linger in your journey,
but strive for the mark set before you."
- George Whitefield
"My chance for a better past is gone.
My chance to live life without creating more wreckage is upon me.
I will try to live each day so I have great memories of yesterday, tomorrow."
- Unknown
"No matter what your past has been, your future is spotless."
- Unknown
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